Fast Facts.

I figured, why not give a few unknown, but brief tidbits about myself that I am still discovering day by day.


1. I love keeping a tight schedule that contains specific plans for every second.
2. Rarely do I follow said daily schedule, yet I continue to make one even when I'm planning leisure time.
3. There is only one person who can break me out of my slightly neurotic habit.
4. My favorite breakfast cereal is shredded wheat.
5. I recently learned some helpful tips on how to manage my own finances without going dirt broke.
6. I have the strangest love for all things adorable: animals, babies, non living things, it's quite pathetic.
7. I think I have a cavity in between my back-ish molars.
8. It probably doesn't help that I haven't seen a dentist in over 2 years.
9. Despite my prospective cavity, I compulsively brush, whiten, floss, listerine rinse my teeth multiple times a day.
10. I love showers and how I look after I've taken one. I feel almost exotic, with fair skin.
11. Despite the high risk of melanoma in my family (go, go, grandma!), I have been to a tanning bed a grand total of maybe 30 times.
12. I must lack a lot of common sense ^^^^^
13. I'm constantly second guessing other people's comments, jokes, and thoughts on me.
14. I wish I didn't give a care in the world as to what people think of me.
15. The rich people who come into shop at my work piss me off the way they're so cavalier about their hundreds of bills and credit cards.
16. Although I am employed at a high end retail shop, I have practically no fashion sense what so ever. I love jeans and a t-shirt combos.
17. I'm REALLY lethargic after a long day of working or doing something else.
18. This possible cavity hurts.
19. I love all sorts of shades of the color pink.
20. I'm a germaphobe. I carry 2 containers of germ x with me at all times.
21. I learned the other day that other people's germs can stay on paper money for up to 3 days. 3 DAYS.
22. I love shopping for groceries and simplie items.
23. I hate shopping for clothing and shoes in genera.
24. I used to pray to God every night that my boobs would get bigger. What was I thinking?
25. I just yawned.
26. I have never carved a pumpkin
27. Some people disgust me in an unhealthy way.
28. I secretly believe that technology in general will take us backwards and prevent social skills in children from fully developing.
29. I'll never get enough money for a car in the next month.
30. I should do this more often.

Due Tramonti

The title of this blog is what I'm currently listening to. It is one of the most beautiful pieces I've heard in quite a while. My vision is blurry from tears. And it's JUST a recording I'm listening to. I think if I were to see it live I'd break down into sobs.

It's provoked a lot of thoughts. I just started thinking about the late Mimi and Pop pop, my two grandparents who semi recently passed away. I should really think about them more often, They both are responsible for a lot of good things in my life and I am greatly in debt to them. Not only did they help me out tremendously in a financial way, but they both showed me what a successful marriage looks like.

They were married for a total of 54 years until Mimi passed away. Their marriage was perfect, it's everything I could hope for in my future and more. Pop Pop basically took care of Mimi for the last 3 years of her life even though he could barely take care of himself. He was her personal nurse and available at all hours for her even when she had no idea who he was and threatened to call the police on him because she thought he was a stranger in their house. Thinking about that makes me cry even more. I look ridiculous right now. Here I am, sitting alone in my room on my computer bawling for practically no reason.

This is what music does to me. There is no greater gift than music. Music is how I convey my feelings sometimes. It's how I communicate with God, my family, outsiders. I'm so grateful that I am in the field I am.

Isn't it sad the way I only have negative posts?

I know why it is. When I'm happy, I don't need the evils of technology around me. I don't feel like writing too much.

Today was alright. I woke up bright and early at Ethan's, said goodbye, and drove back home after a lovely evening with the best friend I could ever ask for.

I came home, cleaned my room ( a little bit) did some practicing (only a little) and caught up on some school work for my communications class (took up A LOT of time)

I watched some depressing junk on tv since I haven't watched tv in a while.....ran stupid errands for my mother...got yelled at by my mother for getting the wrong chocolate chips, ughh.


My phone's been busted for a few days. I've dropped it a few times, sure, but I see no reason why the touch screen (which is the entire phone) decided to quit working all of the sudden. It ticks me off. On the one hand, it's nice not having the stress of a cellular, I feel slightly more peaceful.

I have to talk to my parents tonight about how I can't and won't be able to afford a car..gah!
I have barely 600 saved up from this whole summer. What was I supposed to do when I had to pay other people back/other expenses from one college semester of barely working and paying a variety of bills?

I want a car that will last until I graduate. Is that too much to ask? I suppose so. I'll be able to raise like a grand total of 1300 by the end of the summer. YIPPEE. I don't care if I get an old clunker, I just need a car with decent gas mileage (maybe a stick shift) that can make it from point a to point b.

I mean, the thing can look like it went through a meat grinder for all I care. Mother dearest said a few days ago, "Ohh, maybe we can help you pay for it" but I'm pretty sure she just took that statement back, damn masters program and all of the expenses.

Ughh... 1 Timothy 6:10 says:

For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Isn't that the truth. So, I hate money right? Then why must I deal with it, earn it, pay with it, spend it, waste it, owe it?

I understand that completely removing all currency in the world would be comparable to dropping another bomb on Hiroshima or Nagasaki, however, I have a right to whine. I really don't, but humor me, will you?



tata for now



sweetv

ch-ch-ch-changes

I don't know what to do anymore.


I feel very empty and worthless.

WHY ME?



It's going to be a night of lots of coffee and pondering.




It's not as thought I'm sitting here asking people to pity me. I would like to avoid that at all costs.

So DON'T pity me, people. I don't want anyone's sympathy.


I need to get away and reevaluate my own life, take a good hard look at what I've done and who I've amounted to....


Conclusions I've come to thus far:

-I'm a selfish, impatient, rude little pig.

-I have the appearance of being a complete material girl.

-I've broken promises, broken relationships, and some trust along the way.

-I will live in misery like this forever if it doesn't stop.

-I HAVE to get out of this city. Living here is literally killing me. I'm suffocating here. I need fresh air, a new beginning. I need to get out of this bubble I'm currently trapped in.

-I know I will eventually, but that's not soon enough.





......

Work, son

I can't say that the past few days I've had to work have been decent. It's been the same manager that doesn't really like me. I don't care if she likes me or not, really, but the story gets worse.

This manager hired her best friend to work with me. Her best friend already has a full time job in a perfectly acceptable trade, but figured, hey, I'll just get a part time job too. That's fine and dandy with me, but this friend never gave me a chance, not even a time of day to show her who I am. She clearly talked to my manager and decided she'd hate me. She's sweet as pie to every other sales associate there, but HATES me.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever been treated so rotten when I wasn't even given a chance to get to know the person. She's just cold.

She doesn't work while she's on the clock. She stands around, one hand on her hip, the other on her precious iphone that she CANNOT separate from. I'll admit, I've sent a few texts here and there while on the clock, but it's when we're not even open or don't have a single soul in the store. Today, this was not the case. While my manager and her bff where chatting it up in the front of the store, I was doing several tedious tasks and helping customers. I thought I'd get commission with all of the people I was helping, but my manager, who checked these people out at the cash register, gave the commission credit to her friend who did virtually nothing.


Tell me, how on earth is that fair? She doesn't have any reason to hate me. I started semi-recently, I come in when asked, I stay when needed, I sell like a maniac, I'm nice to the customers and co-workers, I'm nice to HER!


I'm clueless. I guess the moral of the story is:



Not everyone is going to like you, no matter how hard you try. They might choose to hate you for something you can't even help. You know what you do to stop this? Let them hate you. Let them waste all of their energy hating you and keep being yourself. Don't ever change a thing to make just a few people like you. It's not worth it, it never is. Keep your head held high, guard your pride, and keep smiling. That's really all you can do, right?



sweetv

I am so stupid.

The title says it all. What the hell was I thinking when I signed up for a class that drags on all summer long? I'm so behind right now. I have 3 quizzes I still have to take and I haven't even gotten to the chapters I need to read for those quizzes yet.


My practicing schedule is terrible. I need some kind of motivation, a real kick in the ass to wake me up. I need to join a community band or something....


I thought I was getting everything accomplished this summer, working part time at BCBG earning $8 an hour and getting commission, playing mommy for my overworked (and masters student) mother, this damn online public speaking, practicing, socialization. I think I clearly wanted a summer with nothing to do except work and practice. Let's take out the mommy and online class crap. Life would be so much better.


Other than those few setbacks, life is wonderful. I spent the weekend with my wonderful boyfriend whom I love very much. I stayed at his house with his family. It's nice feeling accepted there. Staying there for a few days was truly a much needed vacation. His family is so chill. They get what they need to get done and don't stress about it. I wish I could say the same about my high strung family. Boo. I cannot wait until they go on vacation down south for a few days and leave me here by my lonesome. It shall be a magnificent few days.

Okay, back to business. I'm not eating nor am I leaving this room until I:

1. Read all 6 chapters and take good notes/read the lecture online.
2. Take the 2 quizzes that go with the reading.
3. Warm up my euphonium chops.
4. Go through every exercise more than once that I have marked in my arbans book. Mmmmmm fundamentals, how juicy.
5. ....No. Everything I have above will take me at least 4 hours.


So much for going on a run tonight....I'm just going to be locked up in my room.
I deserve this.



sweetv

Tears for Fears

I'm bored and don't feel like doing my public speaking reading quite yet.

What is on your bed right now?
moi

When was the last time you threw up?
January-ish??

What's your favorite word or phrase?
Crack kills

Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Tom, Judy, Gena

What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Driving to work

What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Talking on the telephone-o.

What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas, I'm cliche.

Have you ever been to another country?
Negative =[

What is the last thing you said aloud?
Mmkayy, I love you, buhbuy.

What is the best ice cream flavor?
Birthday Cake

What was the last thing you had to drink?
h20

What are you wearing right now?
an iup t-shirt and bootay shorts

What was the last thing you ate?
cherry light yogurt. mmmm

Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
negative.

When was the last time you ran?
yesterday

What's the last sporting event you watched?
a baseball game

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Italy

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Mike I think? I don't use myspace anymore.

Ever go camping?
Yeshh

Do you have a tan?
Currently, nope.

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Purity ring actually, lolzz..no joke.

What is your guilty pleasure?
Eating in bed and watching trashy tv.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?
Probably =]

Do you drink your soda from a straw?
usually.

What did your last text message say?
"but there are some in dollar stores too. haha i'd say try that next week"

Are you someone's best friend?
You know it.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Working, practicing, running, showering, going to Alyssa's for Glee night.

Where is your mom right now?
In her room I s'pose.

Look to your left, what do you see?
Audrey Hepburn chatting on the telephone clad in a men's dress shirt. She's sexy.

What color is your watch?
What watch?

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Tampons and music therapy <3

Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Many.

What is your birthstone?
Some rock the color of piss.

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive tthru?
drivethru

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
Probably.

Do you have a dog?
Used to :o(

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Ethan

Any plans today?
Filling out some stuff on the discussion board for public speaking, showering, then hitting the hay. I'm an interesting person.

Are you happy?
Relatively.

Where are you right now?
In my room on my bed.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
My room is messy and my chops are sore.

Last song listened to?
Confess by Phantom Planet

Last movie you saw?
Some trash on lifetime about the amish.

Are you allergic to anything?
Cahhtz, pollen, mildew, the usual.

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
my flippy floppies

Are you jealous of anyone?
Why bother?

Are you married?
Nope

Is anyone jealous of you?
Why would they be?

Do any of your friends have children?
Yepyep.

Do you eat healthy?
Ehh..sometimes?

What do you usually do during the day?
Work or practice

Do you hate anyone right now?
Negative.

Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yes I do.

How many kids do you want when you're older?
How ever many happen. Why make God laugh with such plans?

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
19

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yessir

How did you get one of your scars?
I was stabbed by a rusty nail on my upper tricep. mmmm




This survey was lame. Let's try another....


taken or single
Taken.

are you happy with where you are?
Definitely.

when you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Sort of.

have you ever had your heart broken?
Indeed.

would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Never.

have you ever talked about marriage with another person?
Yes.

do you want kids?
Sure

how many?
some.

would you consider adoption?
Of course.

if somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Being up front and honest.

do you enjoy playing hard to get?
Sometimes.

do you believe love at first sight exists?
I do.

do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
I am a female, of course I do.

do you believe that you can change someone?
No.

do you have feelings for someone right now?
Ohhhhh...maybe.

do you still have feelings for an ex?
Most definitely not.

how old do you want to be when you get married?
ehh...old enough?

would you ever consider getting married in high school?
Never.

would you marry any of your ex`s if they ask?
Hell to the no.




That one was even more lame.......I need to find more..


This one has to do with the 7 deadly sins...oohh!!!
WRATH.

Who did you last get angry with?
Little Seester

What is your weapon of choice?
my bare hands?

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
sure

How about of the same sex?
That's catty.

Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Heck if I know.

What is your pet peeve?
No one is my main pet peeve really....

Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I have a hard time holding a grudge honestly.

SLOTH.

What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Practicing.

What is the latest you've ever woken up?
12

Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Bruce and Catie

What is the last lame excuse you made?
A few days ago.

Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Schnope

When was the last time you got in a good workout?
A few days ago.

How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Thrice

GLUTTONY.

What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Alcoholic beverages of sorts

Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
Dark

What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
5 beer bongs, 4 shots of captain, 2 mixed drinks, 3 shots of sweet tea vodka, and a glass of wine. I'm a classy lady, what can I say...

Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Nope

Do you have an issue with your weight?
Sorta

Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
Sweet.

Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
ehhhh

LUST.

How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
1

How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
1

Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Can't say that I have.

Have you "done it"?
Done what?

What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Eyes.

Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
All of the time. I have to fend them off.

Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
maybzzz

GREED.

How many credit cards do you own?
zero

What's your guilty pleasure store?
Salvo, Plato's Closet...

If you had million, what would you do with it?
Pay off my debts and get a car.

Would you rather be rich, or famous?
rich

Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
maybe

Have you ever stolen anything?
truth

How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Thousands.

PRIDE.

What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Couldn't tell ya...play my euphonium?

Whats one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Make it into some music schools

What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Find a good internship, graduate magma cum laude, get a part time therapist job and be a part time student, get masters, get a better full time job, get married somewhere around there, have a family

Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Not really.

Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Rarely.

Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Nope

What did you do today that you're proud of?
Stopped myself from getting in an accident..heh.

ENVY.

What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
None.

Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
No one,

If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Me, myself, and I.


Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.

Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
A few times.

What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
NOT being all awkward and such.

Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
No.

Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Wrath. Muahh

asdfjkl;

Today was a normal day just like any other. I woke up 7ish, went to work at 8:30, but I was bad and got a Mcdonalds breakfast on the way.

I hopefully made some kind of commission today since I sold over $900 and worked only around 6 hours. I didn't get a break since the place was bustling with people. I'm pretty sure one of the managers hates me though I don't really don't know why. Luckily, I don't really care. It's a personal problem, she's a dumb valley girl, and I'm doing my job and I'm not doing a bad job. It sucks not being accepted everywhere you go, but you get over it and move on. Life's too short to worry about the petty things.

Now that I'm done working, I'm doing more work for my public speaking class. I'm already a week behind because it took me forever to get the book online for cheap.

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ten Reasons I ((should love, but)) HATE this Summer.

1. The weather is perfect and it's only May. The sun is out all of the time and it's perfect to lie out and read a book.
2. I successfully finished my first year of college! That's a reason to celebrate right there.
3. Summer is a perfect time for bonfires and bonding with old high school pals.
4. I can drive again! No recent medical issues!!
5. I have two jobs both way better than the nasty old one I had for three years.
6. I'm being productive by taking a college class at a community college.
7. Summer time means vacation with the family.
8. Vacation with the family means going down south to the beach territory.
9. My 19th birthday is this summer.
10. The boyfriend is living on campus, therefore, he'll be more available and he'll ask to see me more often than he would at his house.


Okay, these next 10 sort of correspond to the above.

1. Nice weather? Too bad I work all day and can't really enjoy it.
2. Who the hell can I celebrate with, my dog? I don't even have a dog.
3. Old high school pals? All of mine have moved on, as in moved hundreds of miles away from here. The others ignore me.
4. I don't have my own car because I'm broke. Every bit of money I earn goes straight to medical bills and college tuition.
5. Working two jobs actually sucks. It's no picnic. You're treated like you solely work at that job from both. They don't care if you work at another place, they'll make you stay later, come earlier, work just as hard.
6. I'm already behind in my class because of both jobs.
7. I can't go. Public Speaking and 2 part time jobs met up with family vacation. They didn't really want to work it out. Bummer.
8. There isn't a decent beach within miles of this dump. After all, when would I go?
9. My family doesn't even want to celebrate and forget taking a nice road trip to Canada.
10. Who said he would actually call. I'm pretty sure he talked to me more when we were both drowning in school work and other college business. I feel like he's living a few hours away, not a few miles.




Believe it or not, I didn't just decide to post this blog to complain about my so far so lousy summer. I understand, I'm 18 now, it's time to grow up. I didn't know that this meant I'd still be treated like a child and not own a car. Life sucks. You can't really win either way. I complained about not being an adult before..well, I'm almost there and I still don't get the rights of adulthood. No car, I still have a curfew, and I still have to run around doing everything and anything for Mommy dearest. I'm lost. I thought that when my parents told me to take responsibility and grow up this summer, they'd give me the other end of the deal by treating me like an adult.

Let's talk about number 10, shall we?
I understand he doesn't text often and that he has limited minutes, but could he at least TRY to give me a little thoughtful call when it's free for him? I know he usually stays up late anyways and usually just watches TV and lounges around his apartment anyways. Am I not that important? I don't really want to mention this to him yet for fear of seeming clingy. It's not like I just want to talk to him about my day and blab about me...I'd like to hear about what he's doing. Plus, the fact that my mother's breathing down my throat and asking about his life this summer everyday isn't helping much. When I tell her, I don't know, I haven't talked to him. She backs my confidence with lovely phrases like " Oh, he's not one for commitment is he?" or "huh, guess you're not important enough for him to take the time."




I just want to sit here in my room for the rest of the evening (it's not even 5 yet) and cry. I want to drown myself in my pathetic sorrows, but alas, I work my second job from 5:30-11:30)



Our doorbell keeps ringing and I refuse to answer it. I'm in too much of a mess right now to entertain.


Anyways, that's all the bitching I have for now. I know it's pathetic, I just.......GAHHHHH



sweetv

A chair is still a chair......

A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight

A room is a still a room, even when there's nothin' there but gloom
But a room is not a house and a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends, it ends in tears

retty little darling, have a heart, don't let one mistake keep us apart
I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, sayin' that you're still in love with me, yeah...

I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, still in love
I said still in love
Still in love with you...yeah...

Are you gonna be in love with me
I want you and need to be, yeah
Still in love with me
Say you're gonna be in love with me
It's drivin' me crazy to think that my baby
Couldn't be still in love with me

I love that song <3

I was just thinking about that song because my family is trying so desperately to move. They're so frantic to leave this house, this town, this lifestyle. The whole thing is so exciting, but kind of scary. I don't even live at home for half of the year, but still, I'm going to miss living here. Don't get me wrong, Grove City = Grove Shitty. Still, this small charming bubble has its perks. Everything is so close;practically within a walking distance from our house. The house we've lived in for 8ish years is huge. There's tons of space here but it's still very homey. I like our house. It's probably my favorite out of the 4 other houses I've lived in this lifetime. I'll miss it. It's also been nice to go to college so close to home. When I had health issues, it was nice to know my family was just a skip away to support me. I AM excited for them to leave however. It's about time they leave and find something new. Honestly, I don't think my family has stayed in one place for so long. I can tell my parentals are just itching for a change.

Change is good.

Speaking of which..there are a few changes I need to make to my lifestyle.

1.) I need to eat healthier all of the time.

This means, no more soda. Ice cream only for special occasions, 2ish meals per day, less sweets, etc..

2.) I need to work out regularly, not sporadically.

I need to run almost everyday and build up to running for a full hour again. I love running and feeling one with the world. I also need to do lunges, crunches, and lift weights to stay a little more toned.

3.) I need to keep a consistent practicing routine.

I NEED to do this. My very cheery disposition depends on it.

4.) I need to spend as little money on everything as possible.

I absolutely have to do this too so I can pay some kind family members back and save for the upcoming year and a car (which includes gas and insurance :-o)

Oh the wonderful perks of transitioning to adulthood.

sweetv

Thoughts in Colour

The gums at the top of my mouth feel inflamed. I'm scurred.

I've been thinking a lot lately about lying.

What defines and makes up a lie.

Why people lie.

The many lies I've told.

White lies.

The truth? People lie on a regular basis. Sometimes I believe the truth just hurts too much.

Scenario One: "Hey honey, what are you and your boyfriend doing on your date tonight?" "Ohhhhhhh, going to dinner, seeing a movie, having ravenous sex, then talking a little"......

I could go on with tons of other scenarios about the benefits of bending the truth, but I won't.

Lying certainly has its negative side. I can't even begin to tell about all of the trouble I've gotten myself into with perverting the truth. It cost me a whole summer 6 or so years ago.

It can cost friendships. I always hate it when I can't tell if people are telling me the truth or not...even if they're exaggerating. I. Can't. Stand it. It's a fantastic way to lose my friendship. It's the reason I ended a long-term and serious relationship and what I thought was a strong friendship.

I had this friend not too long ago. We'll call her Calin because I hate that name for no reason. Anyways, Calin came from a very troubled past with an abusive father and a mother who cheated on her father with multiple men and got her daughter to LIE to cover her own ass. Pitiful, really. It's a terrible way for a child to grow up. Her parents separated and divorced by the time she was 13 or so and she got moved around from house to house. Her mom ran into trouble with prescription pills and alcohol and she was no longer allowed to stay with her mother. This meant she was forced to stay with a verbally and borderline physically abusive father. Her life growing up wasn't easy. She moved to the school I was currently attending her sophomore year and my freshman year at the tail-end. I thought she was super cool with her HIM t-shirts and rocker hair. She had a quirkiness that I could relate to and had a hard time finding in others. Pretty soon we became inseparable. She was my best friend. One day when we were sharing information about our lives, she caught herself in a lie. A few weeks later, she admitted her lie and I got over it. What kind of troubled me at the time was I completely believed her when she lied. She was GOOD at it. Too good. Not too long after that, I noticed she'd lie to tons of other people around her. Teachers, parents, MY parents, mutual friends, the list goes on. I began to wonder, when is she and when isn't she telling me the truth? Her lies got me in serious trouble with my parents more than once. It took me a couple of years to finally realize I couldn't be friends with someone I couldn't believe 95% of the time. I had covered her ass at work (we were co-workers) numerous times because she lied so much. It was an overwhelming friendship. It took a lot out of me and I'm so glad I finally got out of it once and for all.

There's no conclusion to this entry.

The condition of lying will always remain a color of gray; never black or white.

sweetv

Untited.

It's a Tuesday. I didn't go on a run this morning because it was pouring. I might go on a bike ride later provided it clears up a bit. I'm still wearing what I was yesterday. Groan. I have successfully consumed more than plenty of calories for one day. Hooray, it's summer. I need something to look forward to.

That paragraph is very scattered. I figured I would type out whatever I was currently thinking in a few sentences. Today I slept in until 10:30. That's a little over 10 hours of sleep. Besides being lazy in that regard, I printed a label to send a few chegg text books back and figured out what's what with my summer class. It's going to cost $579 for an online class. Obviously, I can't pay for it. I asked faja about it and it IS tons cheaper than if I weren't taking it through a community college. I just..need something other than 2 summer jobs and practicing to work for.

I have realized something from one year of college. I'm only happy when my schedule is jam packed. This means I'm an unhappy camper right now. I suppose I enjoy a few relaxing days here and there when I can just read a book, but the truth is, I like being busy. I don't understand why because I can get so overwhelmed and flustered from the pressure. It's almost some kind of oxymoron. I'm only happy when I'm overworked and miserable?

Like I mentioned earlier, I need something to work for, something to look forward to. I have my euphonium that I plan on practicing for many hours a day to get better, I have a job at one high end retail store and another at American Eagle. This just isn't enough. I. Need. More.

I haven't had much social interaction apart from skype, facebook, and my phone since I've been home. My family is gone from 7 am to 10 pm. It will drive me insane. I have friends at home I guess...

The truth is, I feel like I dumped (or was dumped by) a group of friends that played a huge role in the social life I had before college commenced. I would go out with them 2-3 times a week during the school year and we always had a good time. The problem is, the group has disbanded. The few of those people that I still talk to have immersed their lives in drugs, girlfriends, and other people they'd rather be friends with. It sucks, but I'm over it.

I still have a few solid friends. One is in a completely different country, one is 6 hours away and one lives here! Great. Perfect.

I have a burning desire to call up my boyfriend but the last thing I want to do is seem clingy. Even though we've been together for 6 months, I'm still terrified of commitment and appearing like he's the only person in my life because, he isn't. He has a life outside of me and a great one. He constantly stays busy taking gigs performing and holding up responsibilities with certain groups he's involved in. I need to be more like that. I am...I guess I just don't procrastinate as much as he does. I like to get everything done as soon as humanly possible because I'm now on this schedule where my body thinks I still have a million and one things to do.

I wish it were still that way. It's only 4 months though...and I'm praying that my parents see the benefits of taking a class this summer to keep me completely occupied and out of their hair.

Only another week until I can legally drive again.

Woop woop!!

sweet v

An overwhelming chaos.

See that title? Lately, that's what life feels like. Yep. I swear, I'm not exaggerating here. Just when I think I've gotten caught up with everything, some other huge project blows up in my face. Perfect.

I'm losing more and more sleep, I'm losing focus, I'm grumpy, I'm unmotivated, and worst of all, I continue to drown in work. My jury piece sucks. Let's be honest here, it's pretty much pathetic. My lips are through. My chops are burning out. I'm tired of spending 4 hours a day playing in JUST ensembles. By the time I'm done, practicing seems impossible.

My guitar skills still blow. ( Thanks to the AWESOME fill in we had for that teacher this semester who couldn't play even if she wanted to). I'm developing bad habits, and poor playing techniques.

I'm tired of my class. They're all so immature and childish sometimes. They float along with this naive gaiety. Their mommy and daddy are paying for them to be here. What do they care?

I hate hate hate hate hate theory II. God only knows how the hell I'll make it to theory IV. I have a composition project due next week and I don't even know where to start.

Worst of all, I'm getting physically ill just thinking about how awful it will be when I go home to my family for the summer. I'm unsure of how everything is going to work out right now. I need a car, I need to have access to my apartment NOW. I don't want to go home again where I'll be treated like a child with adult responsibilities. I'll be asked where exactly I'm going, who's going with me, why I didn't wait until marriage, why I feel free with my words, why I hate church. Ughhh, the anticipation is making me want to vomit. Literally.

I'm getting nothing accomplished doing this.

I should go get to work.

So long.

Independence is Essential

Once upon a time,

The title should say it all. I have been far too dependent on individuals lately, one in particular, my boyfriend. I love him very much and I know the feelings are reciprocated.

HOWEVER.....

It has come to my attention in the last few weeks that I have been far too clingy and dependent on him to make me happy. What's wrong with this, you ask?

EVERYTHING!!

Why should I rely on him to make me happy? Sure he's great and all, but by no way, my key and answer to everything.

I need to set a goal with a few objectives in mind to address this issue.

Oh, yeeeeeeeahhh, I'm doing this in the fashion of a true music therapist.

Goal: Client will lose clinginess trait.

^^^okay, it sounds silly and unprofessional, oh well, I'm using it.

Objectives:

1. Client will spend at least 3 nights in own dorm room every week

2. Client will spend time with other friends and acquaintances (at least 2) during the week instead of spending time with said significant other.

3. Client will quit revolving schedule around said significant other at all times.

That wasn't so bad....

Let's see now, treatment plan?

~In order to avoid awkward question of where client is spending evening, client will get practicing and other work done in swope as early as possible, then use library for other, and use ipod for walk back to North.

~Client will make an effort to spend plenty of time with other friends and acquaintances during evenings and weekends by asking ahead of time.

~Client will write out personal daily schedule with ONLY self in mind.

I need a contingency plan....

~If client follows all of these objectives, client can spend one extra night at significant other's

~If client fails to follow these objectives, a full week of evenings in North is eminent.

This is good. I will not become another clingy girlfriend. I REFUSE. I probably look like a huge psycho typing all of this, but I don't care. This is for my own good, my personal and emotional health.

Perish the thought, but say we break up. I took some time to ponder this. It was that moment when I realized how much I rely on him for everything. Transportation, food, love, comfort, fun, joy, too damn much.

Say anything were to happen, I'll be able to spring back up on my feet right away. I've fallen for this guy and I've fallen hard. It's really pathetic, but the path I've chosen. I don't know how it happened. There must be a reason that it has though.

On another note, typing this entry has made me terribly late.

Until another day....

sweetv

Spring is a whiff away!

My sniffer tells me spring is coming soon.

The snow is melting away, slowly but surely.

I've been on spring break. It's been nice to remember what breathing is like. I have been trying to get some work done. I still have a way to go unfortunately. I have 4 more session plans for different populations and 3 case study reports to do. Thank God they're only one page each. I also need to finish reading through one of my therapy books and take notes. Lest we forget I should get a solid start on a college writing 2 essay. Heck, I might as well finish it.

It's been so hard to practice here at home. No one wants to hear a euphonium at 11 pm or 11 am. I received a new piece for my jury coming soon. It's a little beauty called Beautiful Colorado. I'm afraid I don't have enough time to work on it. I also still have my performance hour piece to work on. April 1st!!

I have not practiced piano since I've been home and forgot my guitar at school! This sucks. I don't really get a break do I? Spring "break"? Hah, what a joke. I wish...

I smell at least 3 all nighters when I get back to school. I have a guitar tape due and I suck at all of the songs. I need all of the practice I can get....

No one said this life would be easy. Let's hope I make it out alive. Only a few more months!

I'll let you know when I have my mental breakdown.

sweetv

School has started.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

wafffle

rofl

sweetv

.....

I have no title for this post.

Don't ask me why. For some reason, I just feel so...hollow.

I have everything going for me. I have loved ones, a bright future if I continue to work for it, I have no reason to feel the way I do now.

I feel almost as though every positive thing in my life just comprises the shell, but inside it's as hollow as an old desolate cave. What am I to do to fill this void in my life?

What the hell has happened to me this past year? I used to stand for something. I used to have all of the answers. I used to be bubbling over with copious amounts of joy.

I've been putting all of my faith and trust in people. I've got late, breaking news. People SUCK. They constantly let you down. As depressing as it is, it's completely true. I can just keep lying to myself saying that all I need is love from my friends, family and significant other. I mean, that's what I really have been doing all along, isn't it?

I just was reminded of it not too long ago.

Sometimes I make myself sick. What right do I have to complain like this? I must look like some whiny, spoiled brat. I have every reason to be the happiest girl in the world. Yet, I can't keep forcing myself to feel that way.

I want someone to notice my feelings (or lack thereof). I wish just one person could see through this pathetic facade I've tried to put up. I can't just approach someone and let them in to see this part of me. It would either scare them away or make them think I'm suicidal.

Help.

sweetv

The trouble with home is...

I cannot stand it.

I cannot live in this religious, close-minded, constricting home anymore.

I do believe I will go fucking mad. It's not that I don't love my family. My love for them has nothing to do with this.

They're all so... judgmental. They're constantly that way with me, people I associate with, random strangers on the street; it sickens me.

Correct me if I'm wrong. Aren't christians supposed to love and treat all people as equals regardless of their religious affiliation? Aren't christians supposed to show the kind of love and acceptance that their God shows them and the rest of the world?

While I let you ponder these thoughts, let me point out I just pretended to be asleep in order to avoid yet another prayer pow-wow with my family.

I've told them how I feel about christianity. I've been upfront and brutally honest with them. I also pointed out that I'd prefer to abstain from praying aloud in front of them so I'm not committing some form of blaspheme. Yet, none of them really understand. They think shoving religion down my throat will cure me of this "disease" I caught from circumstance and college.

I shouldn't use the collective word "they". My father is pretty accepting for the most part. It's the rest of them that aren't. My mother CONSTANTLY tells me to "be a jesus" to others. My response is, how the hell can I be something I know virtually nothing about?

Ughh....

All of this venting is making my head throb.

sweetv

Here's the thing....

I'm kind of head over heels for a dude...

yep.

Just thought I'd mention I've been in love..for a while.

The End :)

PSYCH!

It is not the end.

What comes with every relationship involving the L word? FEAR. Heaping amounts of fear. The paranoia, the "what-ifs" and so on and so forth. So here's the good news. This relationship is not one sided. He feels the same. Phew. More good news, we get to see each other in a week! This break has kind of sucked..a little.

Okay, here's the bad news. There's a small age gap. He's a little older. I know what you're thinking, no big deal. Females mature faster than males, blahblahblahh. Well, he will graduate before I do. He's got a lot of potential and thankfully he knows it. He'll probably end up going far far away from this wasteland somewhere with greener pastures. As nice as that is, where does this leave me? There are prettier, more interesting women out there. I'm like plain white wonder bread compared to the rest of the fish in the sea.

STOP IT! I'm just being paranoid way too early. Chill out, self. No more worrying. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. Wait, that's what I told my psychotic ex-boyfriend when he was flipping out about college and I was planning on dumping him. Shit. I'm freaking out again.

Ugh..this never happened.

Capiche.

sweetv

Resolution number one

Once upon a time....

First, I have decided to quit using that frivolous phrase to preface every entry. What was I thinking?

Now that that's out of the way, I came up with a new goal for the month of January as part of my New Years resolution(s).

My goal for this month is to take care of me. This goal may stretch out over several months since it is a very intricate plan.

Allow me to list the numerous self help necessities:

-Go on birth control. Not only is this for my safety, but God, I'm sick to death of a long and painful menstrual cycle.

-Eat the right way all of the time. I have had nothing but healthy food over the past few weeks and felt marvelous. This change will benefit me in the long run and help with the weight loss.

-Find the time to work out at least three times a week. There is a state of the art gym at my university. I really ought to use it more.

-Take ten minutes in every day to meditate, pray, read, or find an outlet that relaxes self.

-Cry alone when needed.

-Continue blogging like mad to vent and such.

Easy enough, right? My goal for this month is to accomplish all of these things and eventually make them all a habit for life. The hopeful result? A prettier, fitter, happier, more productive me! [[I almost directly quoted Radiohead, Okay Computer]]

Also, I believe if I am happy and well taken care of, I will be able to accomplish my other goals dealing with other people. Hip hip hooray :o)

Qiao for now.

sweetv