I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel very empty and worthless.
WHY ME?
It's going to be a night of lots of coffee and pondering.
It's not as thought I'm sitting here asking people to pity me. I would like to avoid that at all costs.
So DON'T pity me, people. I don't want anyone's sympathy.
I need to get away and reevaluate my own life, take a good hard look at what I've done and who I've amounted to....
Conclusions I've come to thus far:
-I'm a selfish, impatient, rude little pig.
-I have the appearance of being a complete material girl.
-I've broken promises, broken relationships, and some trust along the way.
-I will live in misery like this forever if it doesn't stop.
-I HAVE to get out of this city. Living here is literally killing me. I'm suffocating here. I need fresh air, a new beginning. I need to get out of this bubble I'm currently trapped in.
-I know I will eventually, but that's not soon enough.
......
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Work, son
I can't say that the past few days I've had to work have been decent. It's been the same manager that doesn't really like me. I don't care if she likes me or not, really, but the story gets worse.
This manager hired her best friend to work with me. Her best friend already has a full time job in a perfectly acceptable trade, but figured, hey, I'll just get a part time job too. That's fine and dandy with me, but this friend never gave me a chance, not even a time of day to show her who I am. She clearly talked to my manager and decided she'd hate me. She's sweet as pie to every other sales associate there, but HATES me.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever been treated so rotten when I wasn't even given a chance to get to know the person. She's just cold.
She doesn't work while she's on the clock. She stands around, one hand on her hip, the other on her precious iphone that she CANNOT separate from. I'll admit, I've sent a few texts here and there while on the clock, but it's when we're not even open or don't have a single soul in the store. Today, this was not the case. While my manager and her bff where chatting it up in the front of the store, I was doing several tedious tasks and helping customers. I thought I'd get commission with all of the people I was helping, but my manager, who checked these people out at the cash register, gave the commission credit to her friend who did virtually nothing.
Tell me, how on earth is that fair? She doesn't have any reason to hate me. I started semi-recently, I come in when asked, I stay when needed, I sell like a maniac, I'm nice to the customers and co-workers, I'm nice to HER!
I'm clueless. I guess the moral of the story is:
Not everyone is going to like you, no matter how hard you try. They might choose to hate you for something you can't even help. You know what you do to stop this? Let them hate you. Let them waste all of their energy hating you and keep being yourself. Don't ever change a thing to make just a few people like you. It's not worth it, it never is. Keep your head held high, guard your pride, and keep smiling. That's really all you can do, right?
sweetv
This manager hired her best friend to work with me. Her best friend already has a full time job in a perfectly acceptable trade, but figured, hey, I'll just get a part time job too. That's fine and dandy with me, but this friend never gave me a chance, not even a time of day to show her who I am. She clearly talked to my manager and decided she'd hate me. She's sweet as pie to every other sales associate there, but HATES me.
Honestly, I don't think I've ever been treated so rotten when I wasn't even given a chance to get to know the person. She's just cold.
She doesn't work while she's on the clock. She stands around, one hand on her hip, the other on her precious iphone that she CANNOT separate from. I'll admit, I've sent a few texts here and there while on the clock, but it's when we're not even open or don't have a single soul in the store. Today, this was not the case. While my manager and her bff where chatting it up in the front of the store, I was doing several tedious tasks and helping customers. I thought I'd get commission with all of the people I was helping, but my manager, who checked these people out at the cash register, gave the commission credit to her friend who did virtually nothing.
Tell me, how on earth is that fair? She doesn't have any reason to hate me. I started semi-recently, I come in when asked, I stay when needed, I sell like a maniac, I'm nice to the customers and co-workers, I'm nice to HER!
I'm clueless. I guess the moral of the story is:
Not everyone is going to like you, no matter how hard you try. They might choose to hate you for something you can't even help. You know what you do to stop this? Let them hate you. Let them waste all of their energy hating you and keep being yourself. Don't ever change a thing to make just a few people like you. It's not worth it, it never is. Keep your head held high, guard your pride, and keep smiling. That's really all you can do, right?
sweetv
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I am so stupid.
The title says it all. What the hell was I thinking when I signed up for a class that drags on all summer long? I'm so behind right now. I have 3 quizzes I still have to take and I haven't even gotten to the chapters I need to read for those quizzes yet.
My practicing schedule is terrible. I need some kind of motivation, a real kick in the ass to wake me up. I need to join a community band or something....
I thought I was getting everything accomplished this summer, working part time at BCBG earning $8 an hour and getting commission, playing mommy for my overworked (and masters student) mother, this damn online public speaking, practicing, socialization. I think I clearly wanted a summer with nothing to do except work and practice. Let's take out the mommy and online class crap. Life would be so much better.
Other than those few setbacks, life is wonderful. I spent the weekend with my wonderful boyfriend whom I love very much. I stayed at his house with his family. It's nice feeling accepted there. Staying there for a few days was truly a much needed vacation. His family is so chill. They get what they need to get done and don't stress about it. I wish I could say the same about my high strung family. Boo. I cannot wait until they go on vacation down south for a few days and leave me here by my lonesome. It shall be a magnificent few days.
Okay, back to business. I'm not eating nor am I leaving this room until I:
1. Read all 6 chapters and take good notes/read the lecture online.
2. Take the 2 quizzes that go with the reading.
3. Warm up my euphonium chops.
4. Go through every exercise more than once that I have marked in my arbans book. Mmmmmm fundamentals, how juicy.
5. ....No. Everything I have above will take me at least 4 hours.
So much for going on a run tonight....I'm just going to be locked up in my room.
I deserve this.
sweetv
My practicing schedule is terrible. I need some kind of motivation, a real kick in the ass to wake me up. I need to join a community band or something....
I thought I was getting everything accomplished this summer, working part time at BCBG earning $8 an hour and getting commission, playing mommy for my overworked (and masters student) mother, this damn online public speaking, practicing, socialization. I think I clearly wanted a summer with nothing to do except work and practice. Let's take out the mommy and online class crap. Life would be so much better.
Other than those few setbacks, life is wonderful. I spent the weekend with my wonderful boyfriend whom I love very much. I stayed at his house with his family. It's nice feeling accepted there. Staying there for a few days was truly a much needed vacation. His family is so chill. They get what they need to get done and don't stress about it. I wish I could say the same about my high strung family. Boo. I cannot wait until they go on vacation down south for a few days and leave me here by my lonesome. It shall be a magnificent few days.
Okay, back to business. I'm not eating nor am I leaving this room until I:
1. Read all 6 chapters and take good notes/read the lecture online.
2. Take the 2 quizzes that go with the reading.
3. Warm up my euphonium chops.
4. Go through every exercise more than once that I have marked in my arbans book. Mmmmmm fundamentals, how juicy.
5. ....No. Everything I have above will take me at least 4 hours.
So much for going on a run tonight....I'm just going to be locked up in my room.
I deserve this.
sweetv
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tears for Fears
I'm bored and don't feel like doing my public speaking reading quite yet.
What is on your bed right now?
moi
When was the last time you threw up?
January-ish??
What's your favorite word or phrase?
Crack kills
Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Tom, Judy, Gena
What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Driving to work
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Talking on the telephone-o.
What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas, I'm cliche.
Have you ever been to another country?
Negative =[
What is the last thing you said aloud?
Mmkayy, I love you, buhbuy.
What is the best ice cream flavor?
Birthday Cake
What was the last thing you had to drink?
h20
What are you wearing right now?
an iup t-shirt and bootay shorts
What was the last thing you ate?
cherry light yogurt. mmmm
Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
negative.
When was the last time you ran?
yesterday
What's the last sporting event you watched?
a baseball game
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Italy
Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Mike I think? I don't use myspace anymore.
Ever go camping?
Yeshh
Do you have a tan?
Currently, nope.
Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Purity ring actually, lolzz..no joke.
What is your guilty pleasure?
Eating in bed and watching trashy tv.
Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?
Probably =]
Do you drink your soda from a straw?
usually.
What did your last text message say?
"but there are some in dollar stores too. haha i'd say try that next week"
Are you someone's best friend?
You know it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Working, practicing, running, showering, going to Alyssa's for Glee night.
Where is your mom right now?
In her room I s'pose.
Look to your left, what do you see?
Audrey Hepburn chatting on the telephone clad in a men's dress shirt. She's sexy.
What color is your watch?
What watch?
What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Tampons and music therapy <3
Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Many.
What is your birthstone?
Some rock the color of piss.
Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive tthru?
drivethru
Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
Probably.
Do you have a dog?
Used to :o(
Last person you talked to on the phone?
Ethan
Any plans today?
Filling out some stuff on the discussion board for public speaking, showering, then hitting the hay. I'm an interesting person.
Are you happy?
Relatively.
Where are you right now?
In my room on my bed.
Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
My room is messy and my chops are sore.
Last song listened to?
Confess by Phantom Planet
Last movie you saw?
Some trash on lifetime about the amish.
Are you allergic to anything?
Cahhtz, pollen, mildew, the usual.
Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
my flippy floppies
Are you jealous of anyone?
Why bother?
Are you married?
Nope
Is anyone jealous of you?
Why would they be?
Do any of your friends have children?
Yepyep.
Do you eat healthy?
Ehh..sometimes?
What do you usually do during the day?
Work or practice
Do you hate anyone right now?
Negative.
Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yes I do.
How many kids do you want when you're older?
How ever many happen. Why make God laugh with such plans?
How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
19
Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yessir
How did you get one of your scars?
I was stabbed by a rusty nail on my upper tricep. mmmm
This survey was lame. Let's try another....
taken or single
Taken.
are you happy with where you are?
Definitely.
when you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Sort of.
have you ever had your heart broken?
Indeed.
would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Never.
have you ever talked about marriage with another person?
Yes.
do you want kids?
Sure
how many?
some.
would you consider adoption?
Of course.
if somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Being up front and honest.
do you enjoy playing hard to get?
Sometimes.
do you believe love at first sight exists?
I do.
do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
I am a female, of course I do.
do you believe that you can change someone?
No.
do you have feelings for someone right now?
Ohhhhh...maybe.
do you still have feelings for an ex?
Most definitely not.
how old do you want to be when you get married?
ehh...old enough?
would you ever consider getting married in high school?
Never.
would you marry any of your ex`s if they ask?
Hell to the no.
That one was even more lame.......I need to find more..
This one has to do with the 7 deadly sins...oohh!!!
WRATH.
Who did you last get angry with?
Little Seester
What is your weapon of choice?
my bare hands?
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
sure
How about of the same sex?
That's catty.
Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Heck if I know.
What is your pet peeve?
No one is my main pet peeve really....
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I have a hard time holding a grudge honestly.
SLOTH.
What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Practicing.
What is the latest you've ever woken up?
12
Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Bruce and Catie
What is the last lame excuse you made?
A few days ago.
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Schnope
When was the last time you got in a good workout?
A few days ago.
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Thrice
GLUTTONY.
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Alcoholic beverages of sorts
Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
Dark
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
5 beer bongs, 4 shots of captain, 2 mixed drinks, 3 shots of sweet tea vodka, and a glass of wine. I'm a classy lady, what can I say...
Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Nope
Do you have an issue with your weight?
Sorta
Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
Sweet.
Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
ehhhh
LUST.
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
1
How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
1
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Can't say that I have.
Have you "done it"?
Done what?
What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Eyes.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
All of the time. I have to fend them off.
Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
maybzzz
GREED.
How many credit cards do you own?
zero
What's your guilty pleasure store?
Salvo, Plato's Closet...
If you had million, what would you do with it?
Pay off my debts and get a car.
Would you rather be rich, or famous?
rich
Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
maybe
Have you ever stolen anything?
truth
How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Thousands.
PRIDE.
What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Couldn't tell ya...play my euphonium?
Whats one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Make it into some music schools
What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Find a good internship, graduate magma cum laude, get a part time therapist job and be a part time student, get masters, get a better full time job, get married somewhere around there, have a family
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Not really.
Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Rarely.
Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Nope
What did you do today that you're proud of?
Stopped myself from getting in an accident..heh.
ENVY.
What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
None.
Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
No one,
If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Me, myself, and I.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
A few times.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
NOT being all awkward and such.
Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
No.
Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Wrath. Muahh
What is on your bed right now?
moi
When was the last time you threw up?
January-ish??
What's your favorite word or phrase?
Crack kills
Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Tom, Judy, Gena
What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Driving to work
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Talking on the telephone-o.
What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas, I'm cliche.
Have you ever been to another country?
Negative =[
What is the last thing you said aloud?
Mmkayy, I love you, buhbuy.
What is the best ice cream flavor?
Birthday Cake
What was the last thing you had to drink?
h20
What are you wearing right now?
an iup t-shirt and bootay shorts
What was the last thing you ate?
cherry light yogurt. mmmm
Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
negative.
When was the last time you ran?
yesterday
What's the last sporting event you watched?
a baseball game
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Italy
Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Mike I think? I don't use myspace anymore.
Ever go camping?
Yeshh
Do you have a tan?
Currently, nope.
Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
Purity ring actually, lolzz..no joke.
What is your guilty pleasure?
Eating in bed and watching trashy tv.
Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot?
Probably =]
Do you drink your soda from a straw?
usually.
What did your last text message say?
"but there are some in dollar stores too. haha i'd say try that next week"
Are you someone's best friend?
You know it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Working, practicing, running, showering, going to Alyssa's for Glee night.
Where is your mom right now?
In her room I s'pose.
Look to your left, what do you see?
Audrey Hepburn chatting on the telephone clad in a men's dress shirt. She's sexy.
What color is your watch?
What watch?
What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Tampons and music therapy <3
Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Many.
What is your birthstone?
Some rock the color of piss.
Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive tthru?
drivethru
Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
Probably.
Do you have a dog?
Used to :o(
Last person you talked to on the phone?
Ethan
Any plans today?
Filling out some stuff on the discussion board for public speaking, showering, then hitting the hay. I'm an interesting person.
Are you happy?
Relatively.
Where are you right now?
In my room on my bed.
Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
My room is messy and my chops are sore.
Last song listened to?
Confess by Phantom Planet
Last movie you saw?
Some trash on lifetime about the amish.
Are you allergic to anything?
Cahhtz, pollen, mildew, the usual.
Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
my flippy floppies
Are you jealous of anyone?
Why bother?
Are you married?
Nope
Is anyone jealous of you?
Why would they be?
Do any of your friends have children?
Yepyep.
Do you eat healthy?
Ehh..sometimes?
What do you usually do during the day?
Work or practice
Do you hate anyone right now?
Negative.
Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Yes I do.
How many kids do you want when you're older?
How ever many happen. Why make God laugh with such plans?
How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
19
Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yessir
How did you get one of your scars?
I was stabbed by a rusty nail on my upper tricep. mmmm
This survey was lame. Let's try another....
taken or single
Taken.
are you happy with where you are?
Definitely.
when you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Sort of.
have you ever had your heart broken?
Indeed.
would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
Never.
have you ever talked about marriage with another person?
Yes.
do you want kids?
Sure
how many?
some.
would you consider adoption?
Of course.
if somebody liked you right now, what do you think is a cool way to tell you?
Being up front and honest.
do you enjoy playing hard to get?
Sometimes.
do you believe love at first sight exists?
I do.
do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
I am a female, of course I do.
do you believe that you can change someone?
No.
do you have feelings for someone right now?
Ohhhhh...maybe.
do you still have feelings for an ex?
Most definitely not.
how old do you want to be when you get married?
ehh...old enough?
would you ever consider getting married in high school?
Never.
would you marry any of your ex`s if they ask?
Hell to the no.
That one was even more lame.......I need to find more..
This one has to do with the 7 deadly sins...oohh!!!
WRATH.
Who did you last get angry with?
Little Seester
What is your weapon of choice?
my bare hands?
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
sure
How about of the same sex?
That's catty.
Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Heck if I know.
What is your pet peeve?
No one is my main pet peeve really....
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I have a hard time holding a grudge honestly.
SLOTH.
What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Practicing.
What is the latest you've ever woken up?
12
Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Bruce and Catie
What is the last lame excuse you made?
A few days ago.
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Schnope
When was the last time you got in a good workout?
A few days ago.
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Thrice
GLUTTONY.
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Alcoholic beverages of sorts
Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??
Dark
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
5 beer bongs, 4 shots of captain, 2 mixed drinks, 3 shots of sweet tea vodka, and a glass of wine. I'm a classy lady, what can I say...
Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Nope
Do you have an issue with your weight?
Sorta
Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
Sweet.
Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?
ehhhh
LUST.
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
1
How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):
1
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
Can't say that I have.
Have you "done it"?
Done what?
What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
Eyes.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
All of the time. I have to fend them off.
Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
maybzzz
GREED.
How many credit cards do you own?
zero
What's your guilty pleasure store?
Salvo, Plato's Closet...
If you had million, what would you do with it?
Pay off my debts and get a car.
Would you rather be rich, or famous?
rich
Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
maybe
Have you ever stolen anything?
truth
How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Thousands.
PRIDE.
What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Couldn't tell ya...play my euphonium?
Whats one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
Make it into some music schools
What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Find a good internship, graduate magma cum laude, get a part time therapist job and be a part time student, get masters, get a better full time job, get married somewhere around there, have a family
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Not really.
Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
Rarely.
Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Nope
What did you do today that you're proud of?
Stopped myself from getting in an accident..heh.
ENVY.
What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
None.
Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
No one,
If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Me, myself, and I.
Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
A few times.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
NOT being all awkward and such.
Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
No.
Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
Wrath. Muahh
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