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Today was a normal day just like any other. I woke up 7ish, went to work at 8:30, but I was bad and got a Mcdonalds breakfast on the way.

I hopefully made some kind of commission today since I sold over $900 and worked only around 6 hours. I didn't get a break since the place was bustling with people. I'm pretty sure one of the managers hates me though I don't really don't know why. Luckily, I don't really care. It's a personal problem, she's a dumb valley girl, and I'm doing my job and I'm not doing a bad job. It sucks not being accepted everywhere you go, but you get over it and move on. Life's too short to worry about the petty things.

Now that I'm done working, I'm doing more work for my public speaking class. I'm already a week behind because it took me forever to get the book online for cheap.

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ten Reasons I ((should love, but)) HATE this Summer.

1. The weather is perfect and it's only May. The sun is out all of the time and it's perfect to lie out and read a book.
2. I successfully finished my first year of college! That's a reason to celebrate right there.
3. Summer is a perfect time for bonfires and bonding with old high school pals.
4. I can drive again! No recent medical issues!!
5. I have two jobs both way better than the nasty old one I had for three years.
6. I'm being productive by taking a college class at a community college.
7. Summer time means vacation with the family.
8. Vacation with the family means going down south to the beach territory.
9. My 19th birthday is this summer.
10. The boyfriend is living on campus, therefore, he'll be more available and he'll ask to see me more often than he would at his house.


Okay, these next 10 sort of correspond to the above.

1. Nice weather? Too bad I work all day and can't really enjoy it.
2. Who the hell can I celebrate with, my dog? I don't even have a dog.
3. Old high school pals? All of mine have moved on, as in moved hundreds of miles away from here. The others ignore me.
4. I don't have my own car because I'm broke. Every bit of money I earn goes straight to medical bills and college tuition.
5. Working two jobs actually sucks. It's no picnic. You're treated like you solely work at that job from both. They don't care if you work at another place, they'll make you stay later, come earlier, work just as hard.
6. I'm already behind in my class because of both jobs.
7. I can't go. Public Speaking and 2 part time jobs met up with family vacation. They didn't really want to work it out. Bummer.
8. There isn't a decent beach within miles of this dump. After all, when would I go?
9. My family doesn't even want to celebrate and forget taking a nice road trip to Canada.
10. Who said he would actually call. I'm pretty sure he talked to me more when we were both drowning in school work and other college business. I feel like he's living a few hours away, not a few miles.




Believe it or not, I didn't just decide to post this blog to complain about my so far so lousy summer. I understand, I'm 18 now, it's time to grow up. I didn't know that this meant I'd still be treated like a child and not own a car. Life sucks. You can't really win either way. I complained about not being an adult before..well, I'm almost there and I still don't get the rights of adulthood. No car, I still have a curfew, and I still have to run around doing everything and anything for Mommy dearest. I'm lost. I thought that when my parents told me to take responsibility and grow up this summer, they'd give me the other end of the deal by treating me like an adult.

Let's talk about number 10, shall we?
I understand he doesn't text often and that he has limited minutes, but could he at least TRY to give me a little thoughtful call when it's free for him? I know he usually stays up late anyways and usually just watches TV and lounges around his apartment anyways. Am I not that important? I don't really want to mention this to him yet for fear of seeming clingy. It's not like I just want to talk to him about my day and blab about me...I'd like to hear about what he's doing. Plus, the fact that my mother's breathing down my throat and asking about his life this summer everyday isn't helping much. When I tell her, I don't know, I haven't talked to him. She backs my confidence with lovely phrases like " Oh, he's not one for commitment is he?" or "huh, guess you're not important enough for him to take the time."




I just want to sit here in my room for the rest of the evening (it's not even 5 yet) and cry. I want to drown myself in my pathetic sorrows, but alas, I work my second job from 5:30-11:30)



Our doorbell keeps ringing and I refuse to answer it. I'm in too much of a mess right now to entertain.


Anyways, that's all the bitching I have for now. I know it's pathetic, I just.......GAHHHHH



sweetv

A chair is still a chair......

A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight

A room is a still a room, even when there's nothin' there but gloom
But a room is not a house and a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends, it ends in tears

retty little darling, have a heart, don't let one mistake keep us apart
I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, sayin' that you're still in love with me, yeah...

I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, still in love
I said still in love
Still in love with you...yeah...

Are you gonna be in love with me
I want you and need to be, yeah
Still in love with me
Say you're gonna be in love with me
It's drivin' me crazy to think that my baby
Couldn't be still in love with me

I love that song <3

I was just thinking about that song because my family is trying so desperately to move. They're so frantic to leave this house, this town, this lifestyle. The whole thing is so exciting, but kind of scary. I don't even live at home for half of the year, but still, I'm going to miss living here. Don't get me wrong, Grove City = Grove Shitty. Still, this small charming bubble has its perks. Everything is so close;practically within a walking distance from our house. The house we've lived in for 8ish years is huge. There's tons of space here but it's still very homey. I like our house. It's probably my favorite out of the 4 other houses I've lived in this lifetime. I'll miss it. It's also been nice to go to college so close to home. When I had health issues, it was nice to know my family was just a skip away to support me. I AM excited for them to leave however. It's about time they leave and find something new. Honestly, I don't think my family has stayed in one place for so long. I can tell my parentals are just itching for a change.

Change is good.

Speaking of which..there are a few changes I need to make to my lifestyle.

1.) I need to eat healthier all of the time.

This means, no more soda. Ice cream only for special occasions, 2ish meals per day, less sweets, etc..

2.) I need to work out regularly, not sporadically.

I need to run almost everyday and build up to running for a full hour again. I love running and feeling one with the world. I also need to do lunges, crunches, and lift weights to stay a little more toned.

3.) I need to keep a consistent practicing routine.

I NEED to do this. My very cheery disposition depends on it.

4.) I need to spend as little money on everything as possible.

I absolutely have to do this too so I can pay some kind family members back and save for the upcoming year and a car (which includes gas and insurance :-o)

Oh the wonderful perks of transitioning to adulthood.

sweetv

Thoughts in Colour

The gums at the top of my mouth feel inflamed. I'm scurred.

I've been thinking a lot lately about lying.

What defines and makes up a lie.

Why people lie.

The many lies I've told.

White lies.

The truth? People lie on a regular basis. Sometimes I believe the truth just hurts too much.

Scenario One: "Hey honey, what are you and your boyfriend doing on your date tonight?" "Ohhhhhhh, going to dinner, seeing a movie, having ravenous sex, then talking a little"......

I could go on with tons of other scenarios about the benefits of bending the truth, but I won't.

Lying certainly has its negative side. I can't even begin to tell about all of the trouble I've gotten myself into with perverting the truth. It cost me a whole summer 6 or so years ago.

It can cost friendships. I always hate it when I can't tell if people are telling me the truth or not...even if they're exaggerating. I. Can't. Stand it. It's a fantastic way to lose my friendship. It's the reason I ended a long-term and serious relationship and what I thought was a strong friendship.

I had this friend not too long ago. We'll call her Calin because I hate that name for no reason. Anyways, Calin came from a very troubled past with an abusive father and a mother who cheated on her father with multiple men and got her daughter to LIE to cover her own ass. Pitiful, really. It's a terrible way for a child to grow up. Her parents separated and divorced by the time she was 13 or so and she got moved around from house to house. Her mom ran into trouble with prescription pills and alcohol and she was no longer allowed to stay with her mother. This meant she was forced to stay with a verbally and borderline physically abusive father. Her life growing up wasn't easy. She moved to the school I was currently attending her sophomore year and my freshman year at the tail-end. I thought she was super cool with her HIM t-shirts and rocker hair. She had a quirkiness that I could relate to and had a hard time finding in others. Pretty soon we became inseparable. She was my best friend. One day when we were sharing information about our lives, she caught herself in a lie. A few weeks later, she admitted her lie and I got over it. What kind of troubled me at the time was I completely believed her when she lied. She was GOOD at it. Too good. Not too long after that, I noticed she'd lie to tons of other people around her. Teachers, parents, MY parents, mutual friends, the list goes on. I began to wonder, when is she and when isn't she telling me the truth? Her lies got me in serious trouble with my parents more than once. It took me a couple of years to finally realize I couldn't be friends with someone I couldn't believe 95% of the time. I had covered her ass at work (we were co-workers) numerous times because she lied so much. It was an overwhelming friendship. It took a lot out of me and I'm so glad I finally got out of it once and for all.

There's no conclusion to this entry.

The condition of lying will always remain a color of gray; never black or white.

sweetv

Untited.

It's a Tuesday. I didn't go on a run this morning because it was pouring. I might go on a bike ride later provided it clears up a bit. I'm still wearing what I was yesterday. Groan. I have successfully consumed more than plenty of calories for one day. Hooray, it's summer. I need something to look forward to.

That paragraph is very scattered. I figured I would type out whatever I was currently thinking in a few sentences. Today I slept in until 10:30. That's a little over 10 hours of sleep. Besides being lazy in that regard, I printed a label to send a few chegg text books back and figured out what's what with my summer class. It's going to cost $579 for an online class. Obviously, I can't pay for it. I asked faja about it and it IS tons cheaper than if I weren't taking it through a community college. I just..need something other than 2 summer jobs and practicing to work for.

I have realized something from one year of college. I'm only happy when my schedule is jam packed. This means I'm an unhappy camper right now. I suppose I enjoy a few relaxing days here and there when I can just read a book, but the truth is, I like being busy. I don't understand why because I can get so overwhelmed and flustered from the pressure. It's almost some kind of oxymoron. I'm only happy when I'm overworked and miserable?

Like I mentioned earlier, I need something to work for, something to look forward to. I have my euphonium that I plan on practicing for many hours a day to get better, I have a job at one high end retail store and another at American Eagle. This just isn't enough. I. Need. More.

I haven't had much social interaction apart from skype, facebook, and my phone since I've been home. My family is gone from 7 am to 10 pm. It will drive me insane. I have friends at home I guess...

The truth is, I feel like I dumped (or was dumped by) a group of friends that played a huge role in the social life I had before college commenced. I would go out with them 2-3 times a week during the school year and we always had a good time. The problem is, the group has disbanded. The few of those people that I still talk to have immersed their lives in drugs, girlfriends, and other people they'd rather be friends with. It sucks, but I'm over it.

I still have a few solid friends. One is in a completely different country, one is 6 hours away and one lives here! Great. Perfect.

I have a burning desire to call up my boyfriend but the last thing I want to do is seem clingy. Even though we've been together for 6 months, I'm still terrified of commitment and appearing like he's the only person in my life because, he isn't. He has a life outside of me and a great one. He constantly stays busy taking gigs performing and holding up responsibilities with certain groups he's involved in. I need to be more like that. I am...I guess I just don't procrastinate as much as he does. I like to get everything done as soon as humanly possible because I'm now on this schedule where my body thinks I still have a million and one things to do.

I wish it were still that way. It's only 4 months though...and I'm praying that my parents see the benefits of taking a class this summer to keep me completely occupied and out of their hair.

Only another week until I can legally drive again.

Woop woop!!

sweet v