An overwhelming chaos.

See that title? Lately, that's what life feels like. Yep. I swear, I'm not exaggerating here. Just when I think I've gotten caught up with everything, some other huge project blows up in my face. Perfect.

I'm losing more and more sleep, I'm losing focus, I'm grumpy, I'm unmotivated, and worst of all, I continue to drown in work. My jury piece sucks. Let's be honest here, it's pretty much pathetic. My lips are through. My chops are burning out. I'm tired of spending 4 hours a day playing in JUST ensembles. By the time I'm done, practicing seems impossible.

My guitar skills still blow. ( Thanks to the AWESOME fill in we had for that teacher this semester who couldn't play even if she wanted to). I'm developing bad habits, and poor playing techniques.

I'm tired of my class. They're all so immature and childish sometimes. They float along with this naive gaiety. Their mommy and daddy are paying for them to be here. What do they care?

I hate hate hate hate hate theory II. God only knows how the hell I'll make it to theory IV. I have a composition project due next week and I don't even know where to start.

Worst of all, I'm getting physically ill just thinking about how awful it will be when I go home to my family for the summer. I'm unsure of how everything is going to work out right now. I need a car, I need to have access to my apartment NOW. I don't want to go home again where I'll be treated like a child with adult responsibilities. I'll be asked where exactly I'm going, who's going with me, why I didn't wait until marriage, why I feel free with my words, why I hate church. Ughhh, the anticipation is making me want to vomit. Literally.

I'm getting nothing accomplished doing this.

I should go get to work.

So long.

Independence is Essential

Once upon a time,

The title should say it all. I have been far too dependent on individuals lately, one in particular, my boyfriend. I love him very much and I know the feelings are reciprocated.

HOWEVER.....

It has come to my attention in the last few weeks that I have been far too clingy and dependent on him to make me happy. What's wrong with this, you ask?

EVERYTHING!!

Why should I rely on him to make me happy? Sure he's great and all, but by no way, my key and answer to everything.

I need to set a goal with a few objectives in mind to address this issue.

Oh, yeeeeeeeahhh, I'm doing this in the fashion of a true music therapist.

Goal: Client will lose clinginess trait.

^^^okay, it sounds silly and unprofessional, oh well, I'm using it.

Objectives:

1. Client will spend at least 3 nights in own dorm room every week

2. Client will spend time with other friends and acquaintances (at least 2) during the week instead of spending time with said significant other.

3. Client will quit revolving schedule around said significant other at all times.

That wasn't so bad....

Let's see now, treatment plan?

~In order to avoid awkward question of where client is spending evening, client will get practicing and other work done in swope as early as possible, then use library for other, and use ipod for walk back to North.

~Client will make an effort to spend plenty of time with other friends and acquaintances during evenings and weekends by asking ahead of time.

~Client will write out personal daily schedule with ONLY self in mind.

I need a contingency plan....

~If client follows all of these objectives, client can spend one extra night at significant other's

~If client fails to follow these objectives, a full week of evenings in North is eminent.

This is good. I will not become another clingy girlfriend. I REFUSE. I probably look like a huge psycho typing all of this, but I don't care. This is for my own good, my personal and emotional health.

Perish the thought, but say we break up. I took some time to ponder this. It was that moment when I realized how much I rely on him for everything. Transportation, food, love, comfort, fun, joy, too damn much.

Say anything were to happen, I'll be able to spring back up on my feet right away. I've fallen for this guy and I've fallen hard. It's really pathetic, but the path I've chosen. I don't know how it happened. There must be a reason that it has though.

On another note, typing this entry has made me terribly late.

Until another day....

sweetv