School has started.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

wafffle

rofl

sweetv

.....

I have no title for this post.

Don't ask me why. For some reason, I just feel so...hollow.

I have everything going for me. I have loved ones, a bright future if I continue to work for it, I have no reason to feel the way I do now.

I feel almost as though every positive thing in my life just comprises the shell, but inside it's as hollow as an old desolate cave. What am I to do to fill this void in my life?

What the hell has happened to me this past year? I used to stand for something. I used to have all of the answers. I used to be bubbling over with copious amounts of joy.

I've been putting all of my faith and trust in people. I've got late, breaking news. People SUCK. They constantly let you down. As depressing as it is, it's completely true. I can just keep lying to myself saying that all I need is love from my friends, family and significant other. I mean, that's what I really have been doing all along, isn't it?

I just was reminded of it not too long ago.

Sometimes I make myself sick. What right do I have to complain like this? I must look like some whiny, spoiled brat. I have every reason to be the happiest girl in the world. Yet, I can't keep forcing myself to feel that way.

I want someone to notice my feelings (or lack thereof). I wish just one person could see through this pathetic facade I've tried to put up. I can't just approach someone and let them in to see this part of me. It would either scare them away or make them think I'm suicidal.

Help.

sweetv

The trouble with home is...

I cannot stand it.

I cannot live in this religious, close-minded, constricting home anymore.

I do believe I will go fucking mad. It's not that I don't love my family. My love for them has nothing to do with this.

They're all so... judgmental. They're constantly that way with me, people I associate with, random strangers on the street; it sickens me.

Correct me if I'm wrong. Aren't christians supposed to love and treat all people as equals regardless of their religious affiliation? Aren't christians supposed to show the kind of love and acceptance that their God shows them and the rest of the world?

While I let you ponder these thoughts, let me point out I just pretended to be asleep in order to avoid yet another prayer pow-wow with my family.

I've told them how I feel about christianity. I've been upfront and brutally honest with them. I also pointed out that I'd prefer to abstain from praying aloud in front of them so I'm not committing some form of blaspheme. Yet, none of them really understand. They think shoving religion down my throat will cure me of this "disease" I caught from circumstance and college.

I shouldn't use the collective word "they". My father is pretty accepting for the most part. It's the rest of them that aren't. My mother CONSTANTLY tells me to "be a jesus" to others. My response is, how the hell can I be something I know virtually nothing about?

Ughh....

All of this venting is making my head throb.

sweetv

Here's the thing....

I'm kind of head over heels for a dude...

yep.

Just thought I'd mention I've been in love..for a while.

The End :)

PSYCH!

It is not the end.

What comes with every relationship involving the L word? FEAR. Heaping amounts of fear. The paranoia, the "what-ifs" and so on and so forth. So here's the good news. This relationship is not one sided. He feels the same. Phew. More good news, we get to see each other in a week! This break has kind of sucked..a little.

Okay, here's the bad news. There's a small age gap. He's a little older. I know what you're thinking, no big deal. Females mature faster than males, blahblahblahh. Well, he will graduate before I do. He's got a lot of potential and thankfully he knows it. He'll probably end up going far far away from this wasteland somewhere with greener pastures. As nice as that is, where does this leave me? There are prettier, more interesting women out there. I'm like plain white wonder bread compared to the rest of the fish in the sea.

STOP IT! I'm just being paranoid way too early. Chill out, self. No more worrying. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. Wait, that's what I told my psychotic ex-boyfriend when he was flipping out about college and I was planning on dumping him. Shit. I'm freaking out again.

Ugh..this never happened.

Capiche.

sweetv

Resolution number one

Once upon a time....

First, I have decided to quit using that frivolous phrase to preface every entry. What was I thinking?

Now that that's out of the way, I came up with a new goal for the month of January as part of my New Years resolution(s).

My goal for this month is to take care of me. This goal may stretch out over several months since it is a very intricate plan.

Allow me to list the numerous self help necessities:

-Go on birth control. Not only is this for my safety, but God, I'm sick to death of a long and painful menstrual cycle.

-Eat the right way all of the time. I have had nothing but healthy food over the past few weeks and felt marvelous. This change will benefit me in the long run and help with the weight loss.

-Find the time to work out at least three times a week. There is a state of the art gym at my university. I really ought to use it more.

-Take ten minutes in every day to meditate, pray, read, or find an outlet that relaxes self.

-Cry alone when needed.

-Continue blogging like mad to vent and such.

Easy enough, right? My goal for this month is to accomplish all of these things and eventually make them all a habit for life. The hopeful result? A prettier, fitter, happier, more productive me! [[I almost directly quoted Radiohead, Okay Computer]]

Also, I believe if I am happy and well taken care of, I will be able to accomplish my other goals dealing with other people. Hip hip hooray :o)

Qiao for now.

sweetv