It's almost a new year.

Once upon a time.....

I could just come up with a lame new years resolution that I'll most definitely break within the first month. I could. Keyword.

I've decided to come up with a non cliche resolution.

But before I reveal my master plan, let us reminisce in my past (and FAILED) new years resolutions.

2003- Make a new best friend in Grove City (when we moved here): FAILED. I actually made a worst enemy for a while.

2004-get a boyfriend to love forever and ever. FAILED...sorta. I had one for 7 months. I think it lasted as long as it did because he was too afraid of the havoc I'd cause when he dumped me.

2005- Become a fisher of men. FAILED. I was a terrible missionary

2006- Lose my status as the sweet, naive "good girl". FAILED. It took a lot longer than a year to break that one for just my friends

2007- Quit swearing. FAILED. I changed the requirements (i.e. only once a week, etc) making it much easier for myself. in other words, I'm pathetic.

2008- Be a better person. FAILED. Why, you ask? This resolution is the biggest cop-out ever.

2009- Go to the YMCA 5 times a week and look smokin' in a two piece. I don't want to talk about this one....it was perhaps the biggest of all of my failures.

Well, that was painful. Here's my idea for 2010. It's something different for a completely different year: Set outrageous cumulative goals each month.

Confused? Allow me to explain. Let's say in January I'd rather not curse so damn much. I'll focus on that goal for January. Fast forward to June where my goal is to step up the work out. I'll also still focus on January, February, and so on and so forth.

I think it's not a half bad idea. We'll see how it works.

I'll keep my progress posted.

sweetv

Francine <3

Once upon a time.....

[[this entire blog isn't really in past tense but I'll try to keep with tradition and use my normal heading]]

I have a significant other in my life named Francine. She is my baby, my pride and joy. I am after all a euphonium major. It is only right to name the instrument you will toil over for 4 (plus?) years, right?

I have such a love for music in general. I have a true passion for playing the euphonium, aka, Francine. I love the deep, soulful sound Francine has been known to make.

Playing is an incredibly emotional experience for me.

Seriously, I take out all of the anger, sadness, joy, what have you, on my euphonium. My best performance to date was on a day I wanted to sob for hours (don't worry, I did that after I played). I was able to channel my negative feelings into a beautiful, mournful piece by James Curnow.

If only there were more opportunities to play euphonium in the world. Really, there are barely any gigs one can find with a silly euphonium besides brass ensembles and militaristic groups. The chances of Francine making her professional debut are slim to none.

This is heart breaking in a way. I know that no matter how hard I try I won't be able to make a quarter of a living with my true life's passion. That's where the therapy in my major comes in (music therapy, huzzah =D)

The truth is very discouraging, but dammit, I'm still going to go for it. I want nothing more than to be able to play and perform.

As far as religion goes right now, I'm wandering down a confusing road.. Not even a road. It is a crude, path in the woods. I'm not sure what to believe some days. It's a whole lot of uncertainty. My faith used to be my source of certainty but I couldn't keep lying to myself and blindly following something I found I knew little about.

Music has begun to fill that void, maybe only temporarily. Still, if one thing in my tangled life is for certain, it's my love for music and performing.

My priorities:

1. Becoming the best musician I can be.

2. School (therapy and such)

3. Taking care of others who need a hand

4. Being the best friend and girlfriend possible.

5. Taking care of me

6. Pleasing my family..fitting the mold they wish me to fill.

7. Having some fun along the way...

There you have it. I recognize that my list of priorities could be in a few different orders, but the list I have above is the honest to goodness order I have kept for a while.

I am officially done purging the inner secrets of my soul...

Yep, that's all for now I suppose. Back to practicing. I'm working on a beautiful piece written originally for the trombone (but it sounds so much better on euphonium!), Morceau Symphonique by Alexandre Guilmant.

=D

sweetv

Christmas time is here

Once upon a time, it was a lovely snowy christmas day. The Culps were all out eating a fancy christmas feast. Well, all but one of the Culps were out feasting.

Call me Bingo. I am currently sitting in bed, bundled up, surrounded by crumpled up tissues.

I can't move. Literally, I can't.

My nose is brighter than rudolph's. My voice sounds like it belongs to a 75 year old chain smoker, not a young woman who swore off cigarettes years ago.

**I just lied about my age in a skype conversation with a total (not to mention obviously foreign) stranger. I said I was 13 when he asked my age. Let's see how this goes....

He stated his age, 19

said that wasn't the age I listed in my profile..

just accused me of being crazy..

asked if I wanted to video chat ANYWAYS?!?!?!

said he likes little happy girls....

[oh my god]

he's calling now

I think I'm going to answer, give him the bird and hang up.

hah! pervert.

As much fun as that was, it was also severely disturbing. His intentions were pretty clear especially since he referred to me as "babe"

Gross.

People like that make me hate the world.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah. I'm sick on Christmas. I'm sitting here like a lump wasting away.

I hope this nasty flu bug thing goes away..ASAP.

This blog was unusually scattered and disorganized, but that's how I feel right now being sickly and all. It works.

until I'm recovered.....

sweetv

The perks of living in my home.

Once upon a time..

There were no perks in the deal of living with the Culps.

I have been home from college for about two days now. I would like to jump off of the empire state building now. I have some kind of infection from something. The entire area around my eyelids is red, blotchy, and flaky. It burns like like a mofo. So here I am sitting in my family room with an ice pack on one eye, and one hand on the keyboard. THIS. SUCKS.

. . . . . . .

sweetv

New Beginnings

Once upon a time...

I decided to myself one day I'd make a brief recap of all that has happened to me my first semester in college.

Let's see....

get tipsy: check

get ridiculously drunk, so hammered one is unable to walk properly: check

learn the values of alcohol control: check

reveal hideous ass to a dozen swine: check

kiss a stranger: check

do something kind of kinky: check

find a purpose in life: check

abandon all that the parental units have preached: CHECK!

come to terms with crazy-ish ex: check

find self: A work in progress

expand the mind: check

try a new culinary dish: check

make a new friend with a completely different background: check

lose virginity: check

smoke weed: check

feel accomplished: check

fall in love: check...........

My list is a little overwhelming, it's true. When I look back at the stupid, naive child I was when I graduated high school to where I am now, I feel awestruck. So much has changed. But yet, it is not me personally who has changed. Yes, the circumstances surrounding me and my judgement have been altered in the last few months, but I have remained the same person.

I guess what I'm trying to say can be simply put. The person I truly am has been hiding inside of me for quite a while. Please don't overlook this overly cliche statement. The real V, my true identity has been imprisoned for all of these years by a few strict judges (I'd like to thank my overprotective mother, father, school system, and church. You're all beautiful)

My eyes had been taped shut to all that really goes on. Ignorance is bliss, I think not. As my favorite people from school house rock would put it, learning is knowledge and knowledge is POWER!

With that thought, I'm going to go listen to The Cure.

sweetv

Sweet, sweet freedom.

Once upon a time,

I ended something going nowhere. A dead end relationship. Wait, I don't think it was even a real relationship. It was a hot mess of hook ups and sick attachment....

and I just ended it once and for all.

I feel the shackles of controlling male chauvinism coming loose.

It's not as though the relationship (we'll just call it that for now) was God awful..

We had some good times, I suppose.

On the other hand....

He insisted on using disgusting pet names. My name is NOT baby, babe, sweetheart, dear, etc.

PDA was a must with him. Such affections can be shown elsewhere.

The boy could not bring himself to spell out words in text messages and e-mails. The phrase " how r u?" means virtually nothing in my book. I don't see a full sentence there.

He wanted to be with me all of the time...

He always insisted on knowing where I was, who I was with. I almost called him Mom a few times...

I have reason to believe he tried mighty hard to take advantage of me while I was foolishly under the influence of some mighty good vodka.

and although he was a good smoocher....

HE TRIED SUCKING FACE WITH ME ALL THE EFFING TIME!

Anyways.

I definitely have feelings for someone else. Someone older, way out of my league. I've had these feelings for a while now. It doesn't seem fair that I can stay with Mr. Wrong while my heart is somewhere else. It's not like anything will really happen with this other individual. Only time will tell? That phrase sounded too cliche and corny. The point is, I'm not going to feel so guilty now even if nothing does happen.

So this little jig with Mr. Wrong is all over now.

I will not be tied down.

Forget that.

I feel giddy.

Even more giddy than I did in a previous post where I thought I had feelings for this individual.

Hah.

Back to work for me.

sweetv

The weight on my chest

This is a series of brief "Dear John" letters.

Believe me, I've been needing to unload for quite a while. It's time I do so. Some of these messages might sound harsh. Think what you will.

Dear Flirtatious Fiend,

I like you. I like you a lot. We've grown pretty close lately. I care a lot about your well being. I recognize that you're a very stunning person when it comes to looks and personality, but PLEASE, I'm begging you to give it a rest. We all know you're hot. While I applaud your confidence and forwardness, you're in a serious (not to mention long distance) relationship. Don't you find some of your behavior slightly questionable? If you ask me, you're flirting with danger. You need to look out for yourself better. FYI: trying to make nice with one of the professors/advisors? Yeah, it's real cute. REAL cute. I hope you realize you're dragging yourself into the hell hole you'll find yourself in soon. I tried to warn you. You are actually encouraging any shenanigans that go on from this moment forward. So please, don't come crying to me about an older individual "wanting" you real bad. If you wouldn't have thrown yourself like some loose anchor, none of this would be happening right now. I say this out of complete, utter love. Stop flirting with disaster! Love, a concerned friend. (seriously, I'm deeply worried about the matter)

Dear Relentless Asshole,

I'll be honest. I don't like you. I haven't really liked you from square one. Some how you still haven't figured that out. You know WHY I'm just not to keen on you? The title I gave you pretty much says it all. You're one of the biggest jerks I know. Your behavior not to mention attitude towards women is despicable not to mention pitiful. Really, it's a wonder any female ever talks to you. I don't really know your past with women, but the current situation I've seen you in proves there's a past history. How could you mistreat such a beautiful, fragile girl? How can you even stand to look at yourself? Do you pride yourself in how much of a dick you are towards females? I've got news for you. Your "harmless jokes" towards females aren't funny. Your overly cocky attitude doesn't really help. It's not like you really have the room to brag AT ALL. Some days I really want to just stand up to you and scream it in your face. Get the fuck over yourself. Better yet, get some help. Your actions have been borderline abusive. It's a wonder no brave soul has turned you in yet. Sincerely, A fed up female.

That's the brunt of it. Actually, I think I've officially purged my feelings for one night. In the mean time, I should be working on some homework. This whole venting business proves to be rather time consuming but was absolutely necessary. Better in anonymous writing than not so anonymous confrontations.

Until another day.....

sweetv

I'm large in your world

Once upon a time,

I did something kind of stupid, impulsive, and downright irrational.

It's not something one would normally come down so hard on themselves for, but I am.

I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I was just relaxing and letting the chips fall where they may. Clearly that plan has failed me.

I never asked for a relationship of the romantic status. I feel I don't need any uneccessary stresses right now so what do I do?

I GIVE IN. Wow, good plan, self, good job. Honestly, I'm so scared of having the same thing that happened last time happen again. I said I wouldn't let this happen. Shit. I'm in too deep.

Over and out. I need to go worry about other important matters at hand like that math test I'm going to go fail.

Gahh, why?!

sweetv

Keep my heart somewhere drugs don't go, where the sunshine's rays always keep me close

Once upon a time,

I became all nostalgic while listening to some Jimmy Eat World (from the Futures album, brah!)

I started thinking of where I was exactly 2 years ago today. So many things have changed:

-I grew some balls, not literally, I swear.

-I broke out of my metaphorical shell.

-I fell in love.

-I had my heart broken

-I broke someone's heart

-I discovered it's hard to say goodbye (no, not just in the romantic world)

-I lost my childish trust in mankind

-I quit carrying my heart on my sleeve.

-I developed new and improved relationships with others.

-I dropped some uneccessary baggage

-I dropped some vital necessities along the way

-I decided to pursue my two strongest passions in the world: helping others and making music

Then again, it seems like some things NEVER change:

-I'm still some what of a people pleaser

-Still the same awkward loser.

-Still a certified virgin. ( I need some kind of gold plaque commemorating this achievement)

-Still a procrastinator

-Still a stupid blonde (no matter what color I dye my hairs)

So what now? Obviously I know I need to work on some and ONLY SOME of those unchanged features up there. On the other hand, I have too, too many regrets in the first list.

Regrets, can't live with them, so why not live and let die? I always think "what if" this and that.

Honestly, I think it's holding me back from fixing the root of the problem.

Oh, I forgot to list another unchanged trait: I'm still a selfish, inconsiderate child. Deep down, I like having things my way.

Nostalgic state over.

My fingers are becoming callused. I can't feel my left pointer, middle, and ring finger. I love it. Guitar is going to be so much easier now. I'd better keep these babies.

Now, I must get back to some homework and practicing. Enough procrastination..

...For now anyway.

tootles 8-)

sweetv

-

Forward

Once upon a time,

My room mate decided to blast crappy, tasteless rap in our room without getting my consent first.

I cannot wait until this year is over.

I can't get rid of her.

So many thoughts are bouncing around in my head right now. This seemed to be a simple solution. If I don't blog, I'll speak. No one wants that. The world is better off with me anonymously blogging my thoughts and feelings and not sharing them with everyone.

I'm craving a treadmill...and a strawberry milkshake right now.

I blame Ben Folds music. It has that effect on me.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore

I have class tomorrow..today..at 8

I have used the letter "I" way too much. That's because I'm a selfish being. A vain selfish being I shall remain for now.

I plan on passing out now.

Until then,

sweetv